musings / 27 Jun 2024
Because…she had to.
(h/t The Neverhood)
Why am I writing this?
To hold myself to account. To that end, I am going to post this and commit, to myself, that I am not going to take it down. Post it out there, in the wild, where the invisible other can give the commitment validity and weight.
Because this is who I am, and this is a thing I do. Pen to paper, words to screen has always been who I am. It is part of this soul’s emotional vision. Because not doing this is one of the things that has held me back.
Because it’s not what I normally do. What I’ve been doing, however logical and sensible and “correct”, is clearly not working. It is time to look at what I would normally do in this situation and do something else instead.
Because I desire peace. There is a not insignificant part of me that believes This Is a Thing That Needs Doing. It has believed this consistently and relentlessly. In the doing of it, I find resolution and peace.
What is the relevant conundrum?
I’m not getting it done. Acknowledging that “it” is more than one lifetime’s worth of ideas and inspirations. Acknowledging the ideas and inspirations will always come, and there is not actually any such thing as “done”. But certainly there can be more than “none”, which is where I find myself now.
I have the ability. I’ve done it before. See Premake, Musicality (deceased), PhotoFerret and Straight8 (unreleased). See the client work I turn out day after day.
I have the space. The kids have moved on. The transition is complete. The workload is reduced. The relationships are in place and trust has been established. I’ve done and delivered more with less.
I have the incentive and urgency. At this point, I’m an established Elder. If I do, it should be sooner rather than later because my ability will not last forever (and this is good; I do not wish for forever). If I do not, the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can find peace, and begin what comes next.
And yet it isn’t getting done.
What are possible solutions?
Step back. Allow a few breaths to take in the big picture. Start from a more general place, far enough back from the details and specifics to allow for clarity and confidence.
Tread lightly. Acknowledge that, for me, disorganization leads to overwhelm leads to anxiety leads to vapor lock and everything grinding to a halt. Listen to my thoughts, listen to my body, work from a place of mindfulness; know what I am doing and why.
Think (and do) different. Acknowledge that working “by the book” isn’t working. Acknowledge and accept that what works for other people isn’t working for me. Be willing to try different approaches. Be eager, be curious, be playful. Allow this process, and everything that comes out of it, to be a full and valid part of the making.
Build in accountability. I don’t have any trouble (over-)delivering for clients and billable work. Bring some of that same (gentle) accountability into my own endeavors. Be reflective, be observant, be honest.
Celebrate the successes. So rarely is anything ever truly “done”. Set the goal to be not the whole thing, but only the next thing. Release attachments to the larger outcomes. Acknowledge and celebrate the little wins.
Let’s do this.