I suggested earlier that I needed time to figure out my plans, to "gain clarity" after a long ordeal of undirected effort and a general loss of steam. Time to ask "what if?" and "wouldn't it be great?" and "how could it be better?" Put another way, now that I'm grown up, it is time to decide what do with myself (I take encouragement from academic evidence that, at 38 years old, I'm right on schedule).

What a struggle! I've read about the phenomenon: Steven Pressfield calls it Resistance, Martha Beck calls it Social Self. Steve Pavlina cuts to the chase and calls it fear. I have a recording of a Marc Allen coaching session (I can't find it online, too bad) where he talks about the day he made the decision to become a musician and publisher.

I remember it so clearly...the first thing I thought of was having my own company and writing books and doing my music and having a big white house...and then I was overwhelmed with all these doubts and fears. That I'm not capable of that, and that it's way too much...I remember dealing with those doubts and fears, pacing up and down...arguing with myself...and doubts and fears said it was absolutely impossible...and I finally said to them, "It's a worthwhile experiment." You guys all say its impossible (and it felt like a bunch of guys, a whole committee inside my head, saying "It's impossible to go for all these things...it's never been done. It's not possible"). But I countered that with saying..."Let me try this experiment..."

It would seem that we fear the most that which we want the most. How very strange. Steven Pressfield says, in The War of Art:

Like a magnetized needle floating on a surface of oil, Resistance will unfailingly point to true North--meaning that calling or action it most wants to stop us from doing. We can use this. We can use it as a compass. We can navigate by Resistance, letting it guide us to that calling or action that we must follow before all others. Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul's evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.

If all barriers were removed, my fears faced, and the world spread before me, I am pleased to discover that I would still want to do What I Do, which is write software, my chosen medium of creation. I would focus on projects toward which I felt a need or a passion, rather than financial or social gain. In that spirit, everything I created would be open sourced and available to all. There is a real joy for me in sharing my work, in seeing it picked up and adapted to new situations, becoming a foundation for something bigger and better. I don't have any particular project in mind -- or more accurately, I have very many. Instead of hanging my hat on a single effort, I would rather follow my bliss and see where it takes me, if I could.

I would continue to do What I Do, and find, learn, and apply new techniques and technologies -- like a kid in a candy store -- and write about what I did and why, just like I'm doing now. As with my coding, I have many ideas to pursue, things that I have a strong need to know, or feel passionately about. I take joy in solving a tricky problem and spelling out that solution for others to follow. I would do more of that, if I could.

And perhaps the most fun challenge, and the key to it all: if I could, I would figure a way to make a living at it. Yes, I would get the most enjoyment of all by making a living out of giving stuff away for free. And I would share that too, like everything else. You know, if I could.

That's what I've been building up to, that's the oh-so-simple reality that I've been loathe to face. And now faced with it, why not try to achieve it? I've got a good job, working with and for people I like -- in a way, that's almost a hardship, since it makes me comfortable. But it is also a safe place to launch from, if I can just find the time and energy to make it happen. And that's the trick, isn't it? In youth I had time and energy, but lacked experience and discipline. Now I have the latter, and the former suffers. And yet I believe it possible; a "worthwhile experiment".

So that is what this site is now about. Me trying to figure out a way to develop these passions of mine, to create things of value, to receive value back in return, and to return what knowledge I gain back to the world at large. In a way that's what it always was, but now I know, and as the saying goes: knowing is half the battle.